As the New Year rapidly approaches, I have decided to forego the Unfun Weekly Roundup in order to present you with the shittiest news of the year.
Let’s take a look back at the best of the worst of 2012…
[JANUARY] Wowie Zooey: At this year’s Golden Globes, Zooey Deschanel skipped the date and opted for a mani…The internet went bat-shit crazy over her tuxedo inspired paint job, and our wallets have been feeling the effects of this nail art trend ever since. Next time you drop 8 bucks on a bottle of Essie, just blame The New Girl.
[FERUARY] Baby Blue: Beyoncé and Jay-Z shared the first pictures of their bundle of joy on this Tumblr page. She’s adorable – but I can’t be the only person who thinks her name too closely resembles the COLOR+PLANT blueprint used in designing frozen yogurt franchises. If she wanted to, Blue Ivy Carter could put Pinkberry, Red Mango, and Orange Leaf out of business.
[MARCH] Try Again Later: Lindsay Lohan returned to Saturday Night Live to host what some have called her “comeback” episode. In short – those cue cards were a real bitch. In an unfun fantasy world, Coach Carr is a D.A.R.E Instructor who keeps kids on the straight and narrow by simply replaying her performance…Better luck next time, girl.
[APRIL] Meet Marnie: If you haven’t seen HBO’s GIRLS you’re missing out. If you have, you’re probably wondering why I’ve included this precious gem on a list full of doozies. Marnie Michaels, as played by Allison Williams, is quite possibly the most unfun character on television. If you’ve ever caught yourself sighing “Ugh, I’m such a Marnie,” consider us kindred spirits.
[MAY] Stork Schmork: May 2012 marked the biggest spike in sales for E L James’ “50 Shades” trilogy – leading people to believe we will witness a baby boom come February 2013. This is ridiculous, yet probably true. Imagine answering the dreaded “Where do babies come from?” with “Well, I downloaded this book on my Kindle…” Cringe worthy.
[JUNE] Liquid Heartburn: Next time I shit on Starbucks, somebody please remind me that buffalo wing flavored soda exists. A company called Lester’s Fixins has graciously provided us with the chance to experience the flavor of a hot wing without need for a wet nap. I wonder when Larry the Cable Guy’s Prilosec contract expires.
[JULY] Existential Crisis: During a trip to Jamaica, Snoop Dogg is said to have connected with the spirit of Bob Marley – prompting a name change from Snoop Dogg to Snoop Lion. He plans to transition from hip hop to reggae; making music that both kids and grandparents can listen to. If you’re having trouble wrapping your head around this, a coffee table book documenting his spiritual transformation will soon be available…not joking.
[AUGUST] Redneck-ognize: I’ll show you my BINGO face, if you show me yours – To think I almost let little Honey Boo Boo slip through my fingers. As someone who often questions the integrity of The Learning Channel, I didn’t want to like this show…Needless to say, I’m hooked. If nothing else, at least we all have a new recipe to add to our stash. Sketti with ketchup and butter, anyone?
[SEPTEMBER] Ready or Not: An online seminar, hosted by FEMA, has provided emergency planners with tips on how to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse…Cause if you’re prepared for zombies, you’re prepared for anything, right? Excuse me for being blunt – if this type of headline is the only way to catch your attention, there’s no room for you on my lifeboat.
[OCTOBER] Dude, Where’s My Car?: A German man went out drinking in December 2010 – sounds like the beginning of a riddle, right? Well, he finally found his car…almost two years after forgetting where he parked it. Ashton Kutcher doesn’t have shit on this guy. Apparently 40,000 euros worth of power tools were still safe and sound in the trunk. Dignity – not so much.
[NOVEMBER] Kozmetics: What don’t these bitches endorse? The Kardashians launched their new makeup line, Khroma Beauty, just in time for the holidays. I’m assuming the press release went something like, “Don’t even think about hitting up that Khristmas party before kontouring your cheekbones with shades of 14 karat gold!”
[DECEMBER] New Year’s Nightmare: Hulk Hogan is opening a “breastaurant” just in time for New Year’s Eve. Apparently this is an actual genre of restaurant, featuring sexual undertones and scantily clad servers. “Hogan’s Beach,” in Florida, will feature a mechanical shark ride, volleyball courts, and tiki huts. Upon exiting I assume they hand out pamphlets on how to treat crabs.
Wishing you a happy, healthy (and slightly unfun) New Year!