LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE ROBOT

10 Jul

John Hancock Twitter

Fourth of July has long since been one of my favorite celebrations…. And, through the existential experiment that is this blog, I’ve finally been able to put my finger on why.

Modern day technology is absolutely terrifying – rather, I find it terrifying. Books are no longer made of paper; cars will be driving themselves within the next decade; and the only thing we’ll still be responsible for is remembering to brush our teeth every morning – although it won’t really matter because we have Skype.

The most nightmarish of all, though, is Google Glass…Nobody knows more about you than Google. Sure, the less-than-fashion-forward accessory is still in the research and development phase, (prototypes were distributed only to select applicants) but it’s only a matter of time. Soon that little friend we keep around, if only to avoid blackmail, will rest comfortably upon our temple. One wrong roll of the retina and every one of your contacts will hear about the time you asked her how zero-calorie soda works; what Kim Kardashian looks like without a weave; and at what time of day public restrooms are cleanest. Careful next time you confide in that bitch.

But – back to the topic at hand: Independence Day. When it comes to holidays, I’m not sure how meaning is translated to tradition, but any excuse to eat a bacon-wrapped cheeseburger aside from, “Hey, it’s Sunday!” works for me. While I could do without the parades, give me a healthy dose of Vitamin D and 20 minutes worth of medium-grade pyrotechnics, and you’ve got the highlight of my year. No gifts, no gadgets, just lots of DEET-free bug spray…the way our Founding Fathers would’ve wanted it. If John Adams had Twitter, I’d like to believe his bio would read “Keep It Simple, Stupid.” John Hancock’s? “Long Live Penmanship.”

Just think, someday someone will be able to go back and thank them.

Unfun Fact: I prefer my inventions much more “low-stakes.” Cronut, anyone?

MATCHING UP MARTHA

22 May

martha

Let’s pretend, for the purpose of this blog post, that I am not a slightly neurotic, macaroon-hating, 24-year-old female; but an artisan coffee-guzzling, silver fox with a luxury sedan and a green thumb…and I’m on a quest – for Martha Stewart.

In case you haven’t heard, M.Diddy (as they called her in the clink) is the newest member of Match.com. The 71-year-old mogul is searching for someone who loves “animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” What sounds simple enough becomes exceedingly complicated when you factor in international fame and a net worth of over $600 mil. Plan on treating her to a five star meal? She wrote the recipe. In fact, she’s home perfecting it at this very moment – using nothing but namesake, cast-iron cookware from Macy’s.

Courting Martha Stewart seems decidedly unfun. Thus, I had no choice but to propose an itinerary for our first date.

FoodA first date should be low-key, no pressure. Assuming Martha and I will be meeting up in the city, a food truck seems like the perfect choice. Dinner on wheels is all the rage. Not only does it scream hip, it eliminates all accountability. There is a mutual understanding that cramps may ensue; after all, your taco was cooked on a hot plate in the back of a repurposed van.

FunProvided she doesn’t receive an “emergency exit” phone call from her pal Matt Lauer, next stop is the park. What’s more romantic than a sunset stroll? Well, a woman in sensible shoes, of course.

FilmLast stop is a classic… Let’s go to the movies! Specifically, “The Big Wedding.” I’ve taken the liberty of pre-screening for appropriateness, and while the all-star cast does not quite overshadow the lack of both rom and com, Diane Keaton’s still got it. Grab Martha a popcorn and tell her how much she resembles the A-List actress – ladies love compliments.

What do you think…would she call me back?

In all honesty, men must find Martha’s success extremely intimidating… Forget boyfriends – I’d rather find the Gayle to my Oprah.

Unfun Fact: I’ll tell you later.

SUPER GOOP

15 May

gwynethMirror, mirror on the wall, who is the unfunnest of them all? Just because I’ve adopted the term, doesn’t mean I’m leader of the pack.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been getting a whole lot of press recently… People Magazine named her “World’s Most Beautiful Woman 2013,” a week prior she was Star’s “Most Hated Celebrity.” Girlfriend’s got some serious range. Whether or not we need it, the Internet has provided us with much insight into the inner workings of her life. From what I gather, her tapestry is spun of both unknowing pretention and exhausting attempts to be relatable.

Before we choose our sides of the fence – Let’s review some of Gwynnie’s most  recent unfun quotes, shall we?

On cosmetic surgery – “I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

Forget the Joan Rivers diss – Does it strike anyone else as odd, that a woman who consistently preaches an organic lifestyle would inject poison directly into her money maker? One innocent eye lift, and that bitch will be banned from the farmer’s market.

On the Met Gala – “I’m never going again. It was so unfun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

I thought successfully curating a lifestyle blog and enjoying a good old museum fundraiser went hand in hand – boy was I wrong. Sounds like the only thing more miserable than walking the red carpet in Valentino Haute Couture, is having to endure a Coldplay concert in its entirety.

On lady grooming – “Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.”

Here is a woman who acknowledges the importance of female friendship…and when it’s not appropriate to name drop Beyoncé.

What do you say…Is it time to pass the torch?

Unfun Fact: Gwyneth Paltrow is the Starburst of A-Lister’s – a juicy contradiction.

IN MY HEAD

11 Apr

EinsteinToday I had the opportunity to attend an event at work called Engaging Both Sides of the Brain. Throughout the two hour seminar, my coworkers and I were presented with ways to utilize both the right and the left – a strategy intended to enhance leadership skills. First, we were given a handout listing the characteristics of each…

Left Side Brain: Logical, Analytical, Scientific, Mathematical, Detail Oriented, Practical, Linear

Right Side Brain: Creative, Imaginative, Present, Big Picture Oriented, Empathetic, Intuitive

Between sips of a mediocre Keurig brew, I jotted down notes like…

“Mirror neurons help us feel,” and “Did Einstein enjoy comedy?” 

As the slide show went on and my coffee grew colder, I began to self-diagnose… Could the unfun core of my being be attributed to a right side brain that completely resents the strengths of the left? Probably not – Right Side Brain seems like an ultra-hip indie film character that looks great in scarves and doesn’t pass judgment. If we’re going to point fingers, I’d say good old Lefty is a real bitch. Supporting anecdote? Here goes…

Last night I gave yoga a second chance. I breathed, I stretched, I Namaste’d…Heck, I even enjoyed the fifteen minute guided meditation. The dusty gym floor turned to sand beneath my body; the smell of industrial strength Lysol more refreshing with each ocean wave. This was a safe place – one where a fresh pedicure was not a prerequisite for removing your socks. Right Side Brain thanked me… Captain of the Anti-Meditation Squad made me oversleep by an hour and a half this morning. Screw you, Lefty; I still made it to work on time.

Unfun Fact: Punctuality is appreciated, but not as much as quick Listerine rinse.

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